Tag: Stress

Episode 21

Posted on by Michele

I have been missing from my blog lately. To be honest, I’ve been missing from my life. Somewhere between there and here I slipped through the cracks into a depression that has left me roiled in a quagmire of ugliness and brutality that’s difficult to escape. I haven’t written because I didn’t feel like I had a lot to say. Or rather, I didn’t feel I had a lot worth reading. And to truly understand my mind, I need to be open about it because this goes deeper than my aneurysm and mental health is so important.

A photo of the night sky.

I swear I’m not going to take you back through an endless stream of childhood memories, but, I will say that I was born into a loud, busy, very large family, and yet I felt alone from the very beginning. I never fit anywhere…like I was the puzzle piece that was put in the wrong box and somehow got past quality control. It’s an emptiness that is easy to ignore…until you hit the bottom of depression and you realize there is soul crushing loneliness engulfing you at every turn.  And lately, that’s where I live.

I didn’t notice the changes at first…the slowness to get out of bed in the morning. At first I’d stay in bed an hour after I woke up…then two…then three. Then it got to the point that I was crawling back in bed after lunch and blaming it on my headaches or saying that the cat wanted “to cuddle.” I mean, the cat DID cuddle with me, but it’s not like he asked me to get into bed. Then I was canceling plans with friends. I was turning down invitations to go places. I wasn’t eating healthy food. Projects would get started and left unfinished on the floor. Eventually, it got to the point where I was forgetting to take my daily medications. I was randomly crying at everything and then crying harder because I was mad that I was crying. My antidepressants clearly weren’t working.

I had read some stories about other aneurysm survivors…one who died several years later and one who found more aneurysms a few months afterwards and I started having PTSD symptoms again. I’m absolutely terrified that there is another ticking time bomb in my brain and I won’t survive the second time. As much as I complain about how miserable it has been since my rupture with these daily migraines, I don’t want to die either. What I still struggle with, is wanting my life back. I feel guilty about not being able to work…losing my executive salary and now collecting a pittance that is social security and not able to contribute to the household. I feel guilty that the weight of all of this falls on my husband, who is stressed and worries, but tries to hide it. I feel that burden and I am to blame…that because my brain decided to blow up, life became increasingly harder. The weakness of my brain made his life harder.

On top of all of that, I feel guilty for surviving when so many other people don’t. What made ME the one to come out of this fire? Why am I the one worthy of that? I am no better than any of them, in fact, you could probably put a feather on the scale and judge us and so many would be deemed more worthy. Yet here I sit…instead of them. Breathing their air. Filling their space. And feeling empty and worthless. The puzzle piece in the wrong box.

I went to my doctor and she told me it’s not that my anti-depressant isn’t working. It’s that I need to talk more. I need to open up. I need to realize that I am here for a reason and I am doing incredible things for the community and that people need me. Maybe I don’t hear it enough. Maybe I don’t believe it. But there is no magic pill that will take away the anxiety, the “lostness”, or the feeling of being invisible.

So why am I baring my soul and sharing these intimate details of my mental health? Recently, Stephen “tWitch” Boss took his life and like so many other stars before him, people were shocked because he was always smiling. I want to make one thing clear…that is absolutely NOT where my head is…at all, but we need to start having serious conversations about mental health and being able to be honest when we aren’t okay. Moreover, we need to start checking on our “strong” friends. Trust me when I tell you that they are not okay. The ones who are always smiling, always have it together, and are handling every crisis. They aren’t okay. My friends call me a “badass bitch”. They mean it as a compliment…and it is. I’m strong. I’m resilient. I’m a fighter. I will always get back up. But it also means no one ever asks me if I’m okay.

And right now, I’m not okay…but I will be.

** If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org You are not alone & you are loved. Please reach out **

 

 

Episode 20

Posted on by Michele

Recently I saw a post on social media that said something like “I apologize if I was ever the toxic person in your life, but I’m working on becoming a better version of myself” and it just hit me hard. Looking back at my life, I realize I was that toxic person. I wasn’t hurting the people around me, at least I don’t think so, I just had a lot of negative energy. I realize now, I was carrying the enormous weight of emotional trauma and insecurities from my youth that I wasn’t fully mature enough to process or manage. It had become a quagmire of pent up negativity that I often seemed to blame others for and let it dim my light. The funny thing was, I preached positivity and spoke often about the need for it and the importance of it, but I couldn’t muster it in my own psyche. My well was dry.

That post made me realize how much things have changed in the four years since my aneurysm has ruptured. My perspective on life has shifted. And, while, one would expect such a change to occur after a near death experience, I think it goes deeper than than that. I feel this glow from inside of me that wasn’t there before…or rather, it was, but it was clouded by a window covered in soot. The light couldn’t get out. In the past, I think my light gave up trying. I was stressed, tired, angry…life got in the way. I gave up. And I let that happen.

It’s no surprise that brain damage changes a personality. Sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes it’s for the worse. For me it has been this metamorphosis of balance and peace that I never thought possible. My mother used to always tell me that I was extremely high strung. I think her exact words were that I was “wrapped around the axle”. I have always been a Type-A personality and never been able to truly relax. I had no idea about that concept. I used to say that I never knew how to have fun. When we would go on vacation, I would have a folder with the itinerary of each day planned out. It wasn’t specific down to times, unless there were tours, but each day was scheduled. Now, everything is different. We went on vacation last year and my husband asked what we were doing one day and I said “whatever we wanted”. I’ve stopped planning my life and started living it.

It’s been no secret that I have had a lot of medical issues following my rupture. My challenges are significant at times. Better than a lot of survivors, worse than others. Life isn’t easy. It isn’t what I wanted. There are days I have temper tantrums. There are days I ask God why he saved my life. But when it truly comes down to it, I’m grateful for my aneurysm rupturing. Yep. You read that right. It doesn’t seem like something anyone with any sense would say. But here I am saying it (although some that know me may say I don’t have any sense, but that’s another story entirely). My reasoning is simple…I’m no longer that toxic person. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am still passionate about certain things…politics, sports, social justice issues. And I’m still going to get all fired up about those things, but I hope that my positivity outshines the negativity that I feel about the world sometimes.

I’ve learned to deal with the issues of the past and truly forgive, not just lip service, but true forgiveness. I’ve even learned to be a little easier on myself…not much, but a little. I look at the world realistically with the positivity of the future…with the beauty of each moment that exists right in that space in time. It may not be perfect, but it’s what we have and I promise you there is something beautiful right where you are standing.

So if I was ever that toxic person in your life, I apologize…I’m working on becoming a better version of myself…someone I like a lot better.

Episode 12

Posted on by Michele

“I complained I had no shoes until I met the man who had no feet.” My dad used to tell me that when I was young if I was having a pity party about something. It was my constant reminder that there is always someone who is worse off than you. That has stuck with me my whole life.

I try to be positive most of the time. Sometimes I fall into a trap and can’t seem to find the bright side no matter which way I look at it. Typically, when something really bad happens to me, I break down and have a pity party for myself that lasts no more than a day. I am a firm believer in allowing yourself to acknowledge and feel those emotions to their fullest, but then I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and come up with a plan. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself for a while. It’s normal. But you can’t live there.

Before my aneurysm, I was so high strung (my mother liked to say I was wrapped around the axle), that I would latch on to a comment or action and dwell on it forever…or so it seemed. I would complain and bitch about the most trivial things because they didn’t meet my standard of action. Okay, maybe I wasn’t quite the horrible person I’m imagining, but I certainly could’ve been a better human being. I mean, I would give you the shirt off my back, but I’d complain about how people were treated at work. Somehow, after my rupture, a switch was flipped in my brain. All of a sudden, the little things were just that…little. They weren’t worth the energy it took to worry about them. It wasn’t immediate, but eventually, I realized how important life is and how incredibly lucky I was to have a second chance.

Let’s be honest, 2020 has been a dumpster fire for pretty much everyone on the planet. We’ve been quarantined for months, the virus continues to rage, people are losing their jobs, there are protests, an ugly election, and parents now have to worry about kids returning to school. It’s a lot of negativity for anyone to have to deal with. It is perfectly normal for people to be depressed and feel hopeless. It’s definitely challenging us all. But I want you to pay attention to your words, your thoughts. That internal dialogue is more powerful than you realize. I’m not telling you that things aren’t bad right now…whether you are struggling with an illness, a job loss, or something far worse, but your thoughts feed your actions and your actions can change the world.

We’ve seen so much ugliness in the world lately. There has been entitlement, violence, and vile rhetoric that has plagued us. But we each have it in our power to choose something different. We each have the power to make a difference. This post was originally intended to talk about how positivity has improved my recovery (multiple times), but I realized that there was a much bigger opportunity because of what is happening around us. My doctors have been amazed at my attitude during recovery and how I take what has happened and turned it into a positive. When you consider the options, why would you choose anything other than positivity? Life is a series of events that happen to you. Sometimes you control those events and other times, they are thrust upon you. However, how you respond to those events is entirely within your control.

I want you to listen to your self talk. I want you to truly listen and ask yourself if you would say those things to the love of your life/your mother/your sister/your child. If you recoil at the thought of saying it to them, then you have no business saying it to yourself. You are worthy. You are enough. Exactly as you are.

Now, I want you to consider the people you come in contact with every day…coworkers, essential workers at restaurants/grocery/pharmacies, other customers, and people on your social media feed. How do you talk to them? How would you feel if someone spoke that way to your grandmother? We are all coping with life. We all have challenges that we don’t let others know about. We survive on this planet as a blanket of interwoven threads. We are connected and responsible for each other. And we are stronger because of it. Kindness goes a long way…and it is free. Every single morning, when you wake up, you have the opportunity to choose kindness. Let’s make it a habit to start caring about each other again.

So when you feel overwhelmed and beat down and think that you just can’t go on any more, feel those feelings. Have your pity party, but pick yourself up and move on like the badass you are! And use your journey and experiences to be empathetic to your fellow man. You never know what battles they are waging and your kindness might be the only bright spot they can find.

Episode 11

Posted on by Michele

I never thought much about mental health until my aneurysm ruptured. I knew there was a stigma around talking about it openly, although I didn’t understand that attitude. I had used counselors before when I sought treatment for an eating disorder, but I hadn’t thought about that in more than two decades.  

It didn’t take long into my recovery before I noticed my mental state was different. When I left the hospital two weeks after my aneurysm ruptured, we knew there was a chance that it could rupture again. The shape of the aneurysm prevented the surgeon from putting the platinum coils clear to the tip of the bulge. We were told that I would either need another surgery to put a stent across the neck or we could monitor it every 6 months through a procedure called an angiogram. The surgeon said that if left alone, it could potentially rupture again, but that could be 4 months from now…or 40 years…or never. That information planted a seed of fear, right next to the seed that was planted unknowingly the day my brain exploded.

As I began my recovery at home, I tried to ignore the nagging thoughts about another rupture, but every headache sent me into a panic. I’d never had an anxiety attack before, but it became yet another companion in my new life. I had flashbacks of the day of the rupture. I felt the hot knife that seemed to pierce through the top of my head that day. It felt real and it terrified me. These flashbacks hit unexpectedly and hard. I would cry, I was irritable, and I’d pace the house at night waiting for death to come for me. I fretted incessantly about why I was alive when so many others had died. I struggled to understand my new world.

I remember my first trip out to a restaurant with my husband and needing to use the restroom. I got to the door of the bathroom, but I couldn’t go in. There was a knot in my stomach. I broke out into a cold sweat. A sense of dread overwhelmed me. I went back to the table and told him that I wasn’t feeling well. We quickly left the restaurant and as soon as we got to the car, I burst into tears. My husband was panicked. Did my head hurt? Did we need to go to the hospital? What was wrong? I asked to please just go home. It turns out, my brain now associated public restrooms with the source of my trauma. My aneurysm ruptured while I was standing in a bathroom with my sister as we were getting ready for my niece’s bridal shower. I was now afraid of public bathrooms and it was debilitating.

I was also constantly asking why I survived. What did I do to deserve to still be here? What made me so special? It plagued my thoughts constantly. I’d go to my doctor appointments and I kept hearing variations of “do you know how lucky you are to still be alive?” I’d hear it from the nurses, the front desk team, and even the doctors. It was like a knife to the heart every time. It seemed to cement that belief that I truly shouldn’t be here. That I wasn’t worthy of surviving.

My husband suggested that I talk to someone. I knew he was right because I was a complete mess. I reached out to countless therapists trying to get an appointment. Wait times were as long as 9 months to get an appointment. I finally found a psychologist who didn’t take insurance, but could see me that week. I was willing to pay anything. I needed help and I was desperate. At my first appointment, he suggested I find a therapist who practices a therapy called EMDR to help me with PTSD. He also prescribed a medication to help me with the flashbacks that were consuming my life. We then began to dig in to the survivor’s guilt.

People didn’t understand what I was going through. I was talking to a group of friends and mentioned how I was struggling with the question of “why was I still here?” One of my friends seemed shocked and told me I was being ridiculous because if he had cheated death, as I had, he’d be celebrating. That clear dismissal of my fears was heartbreaking. I felt like I was knocked down all over again. Maybe I was broken even worse than I thought. On top of everything else I had been through, now I thought there was something wrong with me mentally and I began to withdraw because I was afraid of what people would think…even the people who were supposed to love me. I felt so alone and adrift. I was trapped in a mind I no longer understood, dealing with a body that failed me in a way I still couldn’t quite process. I bottled these feelings up. I pretended everything was normal. I told people I was “fine.” I held it together every week until I reached the sanctuary of my therapist’s office when the cracks in the dam opened like giant fissures and the fears, doubts, and tears came spilling out to swallow me into the darkness.

Therapy was the best decision I ever made. We dove into every aspect of my life so that she could understand me. And, ultimately, so I could understand myself. I felt safe for the first time in a long time. She didn’t laugh at my fears or tell me that I was ridiculous for having them. In fact, she told me everything I was going through was to be expected given what I experienced. We jumped into the EMDR therapy and I learned techniques for managing my PTSD. Techniques that I could easily replicate in public without drawing attention to myself. I’ll be honest, it hasn’t worked as effectively as I had hoped, but it did get me past my fear of bathrooms (most of the time). I do notice that when I am struggling with exhaustion or an extreme headache, the PTSD more easily controls me, versus the other way around. But I continue to work on it.

My survivor’s guilt is a bit more challenging. I still hear statements from healthcare providers that make me cringe. Nurses who call me a “miracle” and want to hug me, even though they’ve just met me. As if, somehow, my luck will rub off on them. It is painful. It is excruciating when I meet family members who have lost a loved one and I feel like I should apologize for living when their loved one was taken before they were ready. How can I justify my surviving and even thriving, when they are trapped in the grief that my family escaped? When I hear stories in the news about aneurysms, my heart stops. Recently, Grant Imahara died from a ruptured brain aneurysm. In the days leading to his death, he complained about bad headaches, neck pain, and numbness/weakness. These are all symptoms but he didn’t know. Why didn’t he get to survive? Surely he has more to offer this world than I do.

These thoughts come crashing back so easily. I can quickly drown in the darkness. My saving grace is to remember that I have dedicated myself to helping others through advocacy. I don’t understand the universe or why God saw fit to save me. I don’t know if advocacy is my destiny or if there is something else out there, waiting around the next corner. What I do know is that I do have a purpose. And for now, my purpose is to emerge from the flames carrying water for others who are consumed. The battle with my demons isn’t over. I can tell my story without sobbing, but I still have days when I am overcome with fear, anger, uncertainty, and panic. I am a work in progress. But we, as a society, have more work to do too. We cannot continue to ignore the importance of mental health. We cannot make jokes and mock those who admit they need help. We don’t dismiss people who have cancer or diabetes. We have to learn that people’s feelings are valid and we should encourage each other, support each other, and nurture each other. And we certainly shouldn’t be ashamed to do all those things for ourselves either.

Episode 5

Posted on by Michele

I’m drowning. It feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on my entire body and I can’t find the surface.

We are currently dealing with scary times. News of the Covid-19 pandemic is everywhere you look. It’s troubling, disturbing, heartbreaking…and downright scary. It’s extremely common for those of us who are recovering from a brain aneurysm rupture, or any type of traumatic brain injury to already deal with anxiety. I’ve been consuming news at an alarming rate and listening to the experts talk about the dire situation that we are facing. Not just here in this country, but around the globe.

I’m petrified. My PTSD has been awful. I’m so afraid that I’m going to have another rupture but there aren’t enough respirators because of Covid so the hospital has to let me die. Logically, I can say that this isn’t a valid fear and I’ll be okay. But you cannot reason with PTSD. You can’t just tell yourself to calm down and breathe and it will all go away. That’s not how anxiety and PTSD work. I can do the breathing exercises from my therapist to briefly calm me down, but it never quite disappears and frequently ends with me in tears.

Being in the middle of something like this can be debilitating for anyone…throw in the uncertainty of a brain injury and it can send you down a spiral. So how do we get through this without succumbing to anxiety, and ultimately depression? It’s tough, but it has to become an intentional focus. So let’s talk about how we can stay sane during these crazy times…while staying safe from the health risks.

Please remember to follow all the guidelines of the CDC and any orders given by your local, state, or national government when trying to determine activities to help you cope.

I’ve discovered that it is important to focus your mind and your body. Below are some items that I’ve come up with to help keep you from growing anxious while in quarantine. Let me know what you think and what ideas you have!

  1. Yoga – there are plenty of free yoga videos on YouTube that you can access. You don’t need special equipment to participate and it doesn’t take up much space
  2. Workout – there are a lot of companies releasing free workouts online. The YMCA released over 60 classes online…everything from boot camp to yoga classes
  3. Build a jigsaw puzzle – it will challenge your brain by forcing you to utilize spatial relations skills
  4. Color – I have always loved art and coloring was always a natural stress reliever during college. There is a whole new genre of adult coloring books filled with beautiful pictures and intricate details
  5. Go for a walk – if you are free to go outside, go to a park or just walk in your neighborhood (paying attention to social distancing rules). Also, National Parks have waived entrance fees so if you live near one you’ll have access for free
  6. Read a book – If you have a tablet, there are some great free online books. Your local library should have an ecatalog, and many universities have also opened up their libraries. A quick internet search should help find resources. If you struggle to read now (like me), audio books are an incredible option!
  7. Play board games with your family – If you are quarantined with your family, now is a great time to play some games! If you don’t have games, learn a card game if you have a deck at home!
  8. Cook – since we’re all quarantined and a lot of restaurants are closed, it would be a great time to expand your horizons and learn to cook! If you already know how to cook, try a new recipe
  9. Take a class – there are many universities who are offering free online classes or check with your library to see if they have Lynda for online classes
  10. Craft – Crafting is one of my favorite things to do. Whether I’m making floral arrangements, making wreaths, or refinishing furniture, it is my happy place to be creative. There are so many amazing ideas out on Pinterest if you are looking for ideas
  11. Video games – So many games are played online now and you can play against your friends
  12. Virtual Happy Hours – This is a great way to stay connected with your friends. You can set up a Google Hangouts or use FaceTime and a group of friends can stay quarantined, but share a drink and “hangout”
  13. Watch a movie – Now is a great time to catch up on some of those movies you have wanted to see but never seemed to have the time. This is a great option for those days where you just need an escape from reality
  14. Organize your closet – What better time to get rid of all of those things that you’ve been holding onto that you know need to be culled from the closet? Some of these items may even bring you some extra cash if you want to sell them on some of the online listing sites (remember to follow CDC guidelines…you may need to wait to list and sell items)
  15. Meditate – When you just can’t seem to cope anymore…meditate. Focus on your breathing and ground yourself.

Obviously, these are just a few suggestions of things you can do to occupy your time during this uncertainty. Remember, you are not alone. It is important to remember that just because social distancing is the order of the day, it does not mean that you need or should be isolated. It is important to stay in contact with your tribe. Being alone can add to the anxiety and depression so make sure you reach out to your people, and conversely, if you know someone who tends to suffer from depression, reach out to them because they may not reach out first. In today’s world of social networking, it’s easy to keep in contact with folks…utilize it. Don’t go silent.

I know these are dark times, but we can get through this. Practice social distancing, wash your hands frequently, use sanitizing wipes to clean (and throw them away…don’t flush), make sure you wash your clothes if you do have to go out, and stay active! We are all in this together and we can flatten the curve together! Pay attention to your thoughts and keep them positive. Focus on intentional positivity on a daily basis.

Tell me how you are coping with all of this. I’d love to hear from you!