April 14 has new meaning to me now. Each year, as it approaches, I am reminded of how my life has been forever changed and how I am beyond blessed. Since my aneurysm ruptured on April 14, 2018, my life has changed in ways that I could never have imagined. Each year since has brought new challenges, frustrations, fears, anger, growth, and promise. And through it all, I have somehow managed to find a peace that was missing in my life prior to this disaster.
I struggled with defining myself after being declared unable to work. Who was I if I wasn’t an IT Leader in Supply Chain Process Improvement? Who was I if it didn’t say “Project Manager” after my name? It was an obstacle that was impossible to leap. I couldn’t just be someone else…even when my brain refused to do the job anymore. I had a list of medical problems that seemed to grow daily, and yet the definition of who I was is the thing that bothered me most.
I knew who I wanted to be. I wanted to help others. I wanted to walk back into the flames carrying water for others who needed the help. But when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t believe that I had the capacity to help others. I wasn’t strong enough, knowledgeable enough, and where would I even start? But even before my aneurysm, I had always talked about feeling as though there was something missing in my life. I wanted to help people. I wanted that to be my life’s work. I started tweeting about awareness. I started sharing statistics. And finally, some amazing people jumped into my life and asked if I was ready for advocacy.
I started writing my blog to share my experiences with my recovery because, while every recovery is different, sometimes survivors need to know they are not alone. Sometimes, survivors need to see that a symptom might match theirs and maybe their care team hasn’t looked at it the way mine has…or maybe they just want to know that other survivors have bad days and cuss and throw things too (believe me, I do). I’ve also been extremely blessed to write for a few publications to share my perspective to get my voice out there even further. And I have been honored to help a few families whose loved ones were in the hospital following an event when they have needed support. That has been an extremely humbling experience to be trusted with their hearts as they navigate this new journey.
I may not be changing the world, but with each action of advocacy, I realize that my heart is full and I have found a peace that I never had during my career. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still struggle and have my moments of wishing for my “old” life, but that wish is nothing more than longing for a life that isn’t filled with the complications of daily migraines, seizures, hypothalamus dysfunction, and whatever other medical problems they want to throw at me. There are moments of weakness when I just want it all to go away…I am human, after all. But when I really sit and think about it, three years ago, on April 14, 2018, I was not only given a miracle of a second chance at life, I was given a miracle of happiness.
